"And now to the weather report. Well, folks, here in Moscow today we've got temperatures around -11 Celsius (about 12.2 Farenheit to all you Farenheiters) with wind and light snow, which are currently working together to freeze the nose off of English teachers throughout the city whenever they try to poke that particular portion of the anatomy out of doors. Therefore, if you are an English teacher, or if you are a concerned family member, it is probably best to make sure that you or your relative stays indoors in bed next to a heater in the interest of facial preservation. However, I'm sure we'll have some foolhardy souls who will feel conscience-driven to fight their way across the park to their place of work; for these people we have a special warning message: If you feel obligated to go to work because you have a makeup class with a plagiarizing teenage boy who is making up his class because he was so late that the last time he missed his class entirely, then it's a better idea just not to bother - he'll miss his class today as well, and once again you will just be sitting in the classroom lesson planning for other lessons for the whole 45 minutes. However, compensation may occur in the form of a chance to teach a makeup lesson for your six-year-old student, who at the end of the lesson will decide that she loves you so much you cannot leave and will try to physically block your way out the door."
"In other news in the past few weeks, many English teachers have been suffering from a lack of motivation coming off of the holiday; psychologists contend that the heavy snow, intense cold, and lack of sunlight may play some part in that problem. In an interview, one teacher expressed the opinion of many when she said, 'It's just unnatural to go to work when it's dark outside. When it's dark people should be sleeping. We should only work when it's daylight.' However popular this viewpoint might be amongst the English-teaching population, economists say that such a movement, were it to extend throughout Moscow, could have an extremely negative effect on the economy, especially considering that "daylight" in the middle of winter doesn't begin until around 11:00 and only lasts three to four hours."
"And now to our correspondent in flat no. 409, with an update on the latest affairs of the three English teachers whom we've been following for the past few months. But first, a brief commercial break."
*Commercial Break*
HELLO FOLKS! Do you ever worry about the chill of the Moscow winter? Do you ever wonder if maybe temperatures really will drop to -30 Celsius like everyone says they will? Do you ever doubt your own ability to cope with the cold? Well, we here at CoatzGalore have the solution! The all-new Closet Coat! This remarkable coat will keep you warm in the depths of winter...without you even having to wear it! The latest research by psychologists has shown that being "cold" is practically all mentality! With our Closet Coat, you can dress to impress without having to muffle it all up under heavy wraps by simply fixing your mentality. Here's how it works: First you install the trusty Closet Coat in your closet. Then, whenever you go outside, you dress in a lighter coat, something like our "Fall Wool" style, but you think about the heavy Closet Coat that is sitting back home. Whenever you start to feel "cold," just think how warm you will be later on in winter, when the temperatures are colder and you can start wearing your Closet Coat! The longer you can wait, the warmer you will be! Make "cold" a thing of the past! Buy a Closet Coat today!!!"
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: TESTS ON ENGLISH TEACHERS HAVE SHOWN THAT THE CLOSET COAT IS ONLY EFFECTIVE WHEN ACTUALLY WORN. TRYING TO WEAR A FALL COAT IN SUB-ZERO TEMPERATURES CAN BE HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH, EVEN IF YOU ARE TRYING TO SAVE YOUR HEAVIER COAT FOR COLDER WEATHER. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. JUST WEAR YOUR HEAVY COAT. DON'T BE STUPID.
Welcome back to TMM Moscow, all news, all the time! Patricia, over to you."
"Thanks, Bob. Well here I am, standing in the kitchen of flat 409, and well, I can't say it smells that great in here. In fact, I think something might be burning...ah, yes! It appears that someone put a sponge in the microwave in an attempt to kill the bacteria. She must have learned that trick from her dad back home. But, dear me! Was there really a need to put it in for four minutes?!? I think not. It's quite an original-looking sponge now, though, especially with that scorch mark in the middle."
"Well, I'll just leave the window open for a bit to let the smell out, and let's continue on to one of the other rooms, shall we?"
"Ah, yes, and here's the room of our young teacher Hannah. She's out at the moment at the school, or perhaps looking for her frozen nose where it chipped off in the park, so we can speak with indiscretion. Hmm, Bob, have we heard anything interesting about Hannah lately?"
"Let me check the files, Patricia...well, last time we reported on her trip to the Kremlin with her young neighbor, let's see, since then... well, she took a trip to the Novodevichy Convent with her colleague and friend Teya."
"Oh, yes, that's right! Now, for our listeners, the Novodevichy Convent is a World Heritage site. Founded in the early 1500s, it has sheltered famous members of the Russian royal family such as Irina Godunova and Sophia Alekseyevna. It is still a working convent today, though at the moment the largest church is closed for renovation. One of the buildings has been turned into a museum of church history, which consists entirely of small pictures of churches in various stages of renovation and a few explanatory paragraphs. If you pay 250 rubles, you can go and see this dazzling exhibit. Our uncultured teacher found it quite boring and regretted paying the money to get in, unfortunately.
Undiscouraged, she ventured out alone several days later to Victory Park. The effect of the soaring central obelisk and grand granite walkway was somewhat marred by the fact that large, colorful stages were being erected for the celebration of the Orthodox Christmas on January 6th. However, despite the drizzle and the distractions, our teacher got in a good wander, and was particularly impressed and moved by the monument out behind the main building, "The Tragedy of the Peoples."
The next day she went out gallivanting with the neighbors in their car. This was a novel experience for our young teacher, who hadn't driven through the centre of Moscow yet. The outing itself was a bit of a failure, because there was such a mist over the city that the view from the highest hill in Moscow - the destination of the venture - was not much of a view. I must admit, it was very amusing to watch Rinad (Lilya and Timour's father) trying to educate all and sundry about the history of Stalin's seven sister skyscrapers while Hannah listened politely and shivered and Lilya and Timour didn't listen and instead got into a contest to see who could blow their breath (visible in the cold air) into the other's face. The dinner afterwards was a great deal more enjoyable. Our teacher was feasted by the neighbors, and she bravely tried her first taste of холодец (holodyets), a gelled meat, which wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. Now, however, she is in a bit of a quandary as to how to repay a hospitality so generous that she stayed over at the flat next door for four hours!
"Who are you?"
"Oh, uh, hello, Hannah, I'm Patricia. I'm the correspondent for TMM Moscow, and -"
"What are you doing in my room?"
"Umm, well Bob, I think that's all the time we have for today, on Flat 409! This is Patricia, TMM Moscow, signing out!"
*Commercial Break*
"Do you ever feel stifled by the Moscow city atmosphere? Do you ever wish you could escape the tower block surroundings in which you live? Then you need to make the trip to the Mitino Landscape Park! Here, we have all the joys of the wilderness* within convenient reach of home. Rediscover your primal self in this untamed* wilderness. Imitate the divine by walking on water*. View the beasts of the wild at play in their natural environment! Drink in the sparkling cold air and feel the sun* on your face! Special offer for large families and the elderly! Don't hesitate! Visit the Mitino Landscape Park today!
* "wilderness is open to interpretation and is here interpreted as being limited to the following: 'mice, rats, dogs, cats, skiers, ducks, finches, crows, and the occasional naked man coming out of his homemade banya.
* Some dogs are not tame. Mitino Landscape Park is not responsible for any injury mental or physical occasioned by contact with these dogs.
* Walking on water is possible only in winter when the pond is frozen. Thank you for your understanding in this matter. In summer walking on water is forbidden, as is swimming in imaginary water (see "Stating the Obvious").
* "Sun" is open to interpretation and may also be defined as "clouds".
Welcome back! You're listening to TTM Moscow, all news, all the time. Well, at least most of the time. Theoretically, once a week...or once every two or three weeks... Anyways, let's hear the news from the home front! Sally and Jim- over to you!
" Thanks, Bob. Well, in current NC news Dad A. is still out of a job, to the surprise and consternation of all and sundry, though he is following several promising leads."
"Genius is never recognized in its own time, is it, Sally?"
"Have to agree with you there, Jim. Mom A.'s health has improved since last month, and she has been spotted at the ballet school recently with her young daughter, the promising ballerina S.A.. E.A. has seen the arrival of an impressive new bike, and he has promised not to fall over the front of the handlebars and break his shoulder and give everyone else in the family a heart attack like he did with his last bike. S.A. is exploring the capabilities of some technological gadget that at the moment I can't remember the name of, G.A. and W.A. are showing their academic brilliance as usual, and O.A. and D.A. are asleep. All is as it should be, if Dad A. could just find a job. That is sure to happen soon."
"And, Sally, don't forget the great performance of Alice in Wonderland that took place at Meredith College this week."
"Of course! Well, unfortunately this event was closed to the press, but by all accounts it was incredible as usual. Alice in particular was impressively played, along with all the other parts played by members of the English department. No, we're not at all biased here on TMM Moscow."
"And in an interesting case of parallelism, this very week our teacher here in Moscow saw the arrival of a new student, a small, bright young girl with blonde hair and blue eyes named Alice."
"You're joking!"
"No, I'm quite serious! Well, I think that just about wraps it up for N.C. news."
"Jim, you're right. Back to you, Bob."
"Aaaand that looks like all we have time for today on TMM Moscow! Have a great week, folks, and be sure to tune in next week for updates on dancing, buying Bolshoi tickets, learning Russian, and all the other trials, travails, and triumphs taking place here in the capital city.
This is TMM Moscow, and your host Bob, signing off."
"In other news in the past few weeks, many English teachers have been suffering from a lack of motivation coming off of the holiday; psychologists contend that the heavy snow, intense cold, and lack of sunlight may play some part in that problem. In an interview, one teacher expressed the opinion of many when she said, 'It's just unnatural to go to work when it's dark outside. When it's dark people should be sleeping. We should only work when it's daylight.' However popular this viewpoint might be amongst the English-teaching population, economists say that such a movement, were it to extend throughout Moscow, could have an extremely negative effect on the economy, especially considering that "daylight" in the middle of winter doesn't begin until around 11:00 and only lasts three to four hours."
"And now to our correspondent in flat no. 409, with an update on the latest affairs of the three English teachers whom we've been following for the past few months. But first, a brief commercial break."
*Commercial Break*
HELLO FOLKS! Do you ever worry about the chill of the Moscow winter? Do you ever wonder if maybe temperatures really will drop to -30 Celsius like everyone says they will? Do you ever doubt your own ability to cope with the cold? Well, we here at CoatzGalore have the solution! The all-new Closet Coat! This remarkable coat will keep you warm in the depths of winter...without you even having to wear it! The latest research by psychologists has shown that being "cold" is practically all mentality! With our Closet Coat, you can dress to impress without having to muffle it all up under heavy wraps by simply fixing your mentality. Here's how it works: First you install the trusty Closet Coat in your closet. Then, whenever you go outside, you dress in a lighter coat, something like our "Fall Wool" style, but you think about the heavy Closet Coat that is sitting back home. Whenever you start to feel "cold," just think how warm you will be later on in winter, when the temperatures are colder and you can start wearing your Closet Coat! The longer you can wait, the warmer you will be! Make "cold" a thing of the past! Buy a Closet Coat today!!!"
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: TESTS ON ENGLISH TEACHERS HAVE SHOWN THAT THE CLOSET COAT IS ONLY EFFECTIVE WHEN ACTUALLY WORN. TRYING TO WEAR A FALL COAT IN SUB-ZERO TEMPERATURES CAN BE HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH, EVEN IF YOU ARE TRYING TO SAVE YOUR HEAVIER COAT FOR COLDER WEATHER. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. JUST WEAR YOUR HEAVY COAT. DON'T BE STUPID.
Welcome back to TMM Moscow, all news, all the time! Patricia, over to you."
"Thanks, Bob. Well here I am, standing in the kitchen of flat 409, and well, I can't say it smells that great in here. In fact, I think something might be burning...ah, yes! It appears that someone put a sponge in the microwave in an attempt to kill the bacteria. She must have learned that trick from her dad back home. But, dear me! Was there really a need to put it in for four minutes?!? I think not. It's quite an original-looking sponge now, though, especially with that scorch mark in the middle."
"Well, I'll just leave the window open for a bit to let the smell out, and let's continue on to one of the other rooms, shall we?"
"Ah, yes, and here's the room of our young teacher Hannah. She's out at the moment at the school, or perhaps looking for her frozen nose where it chipped off in the park, so we can speak with indiscretion. Hmm, Bob, have we heard anything interesting about Hannah lately?"
"Let me check the files, Patricia...well, last time we reported on her trip to the Kremlin with her young neighbor, let's see, since then... well, she took a trip to the Novodevichy Convent with her colleague and friend Teya."
"Oh, yes, that's right! Now, for our listeners, the Novodevichy Convent is a World Heritage site. Founded in the early 1500s, it has sheltered famous members of the Russian royal family such as Irina Godunova and Sophia Alekseyevna. It is still a working convent today, though at the moment the largest church is closed for renovation. One of the buildings has been turned into a museum of church history, which consists entirely of small pictures of churches in various stages of renovation and a few explanatory paragraphs. If you pay 250 rubles, you can go and see this dazzling exhibit. Our uncultured teacher found it quite boring and regretted paying the money to get in, unfortunately.
the bell tower
approaching the outside walls
the main entrance
the largest church, closed for renovation
not yet frozen, still able to stand still and take a picture
a smaller church, very ornate inside but not in the style of most Orthodox churches; it had a very 18th or 19th century feel to the inside with a lot of heavy gilded frames and a square, open interior hall without standing pillars and without painted walls
except near the altar
looking back towards the entrance
a church erected over one of the entrances - also currently closed for renovation
walking (the long way around) the outer walls to get to the cemetery - it used to be a fortified convent
Attached to the convent is a large state cemetery, where many famous personages of the Soviet Union are buried, including Galina Ulanova, Natalya Bessmertnova, and Igor Moiseyev, as well as Chekhov, Mayakovsky, Shostakovich, and Prokofiev. Unfortunately, our intrepid teachers only managed to find some of these graves, because Hannah had not dressed warmly enough and after three hours of walking around in the sub-zero temperatures was so cold that she could not speak properly."
Galina Ulanova
Igor Moiseyev
Chekhov
Natalya Bessmertovna
Triumphal Arch outside Victory Park
the entrance to Victory Park (commemorating World War II)
apparently there are fountains in summertime
statue of Nike at the top of the obelisk, which is ten cm tall for every day of the war (141.8 meters)
St. George slaying the Nazi dragon at the base of the obelisk
the church in the park
the eternal flame
hangar with WWII-era planes
memorial synagogue
part of the "Tragedy of the Peoples" Holocaust monument
"Let the memory of them be held sacred throughout the centuries"
another view of the church
looking back down the walk
the biggest Christmas tree yet
The next day she went out gallivanting with the neighbors in their car. This was a novel experience for our young teacher, who hadn't driven through the centre of Moscow yet. The outing itself was a bit of a failure, because there was such a mist over the city that the view from the highest hill in Moscow - the destination of the venture - was not much of a view. I must admit, it was very amusing to watch Rinad (Lilya and Timour's father) trying to educate all and sundry about the history of Stalin's seven sister skyscrapers while Hannah listened politely and shivered and Lilya and Timour didn't listen and instead got into a contest to see who could blow their breath (visible in the cold air) into the other's face. The dinner afterwards was a great deal more enjoyable. Our teacher was feasted by the neighbors, and she bravely tried her first taste of холодец (holodyets), a gelled meat, which wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. Now, however, she is in a bit of a quandary as to how to repay a hospitality so generous that she stayed over at the flat next door for four hours!
"Who are you?"
"Oh, uh, hello, Hannah, I'm Patricia. I'm the correspondent for TMM Moscow, and -"
"What are you doing in my room?"
"Umm, well Bob, I think that's all the time we have for today, on Flat 409! This is Patricia, TMM Moscow, signing out!"
*Commercial Break*
"Do you ever feel stifled by the Moscow city atmosphere? Do you ever wish you could escape the tower block surroundings in which you live? Then you need to make the trip to the Mitino Landscape Park! Here, we have all the joys of the wilderness* within convenient reach of home. Rediscover your primal self in this untamed* wilderness. Imitate the divine by walking on water*. View the beasts of the wild at play in their natural environment! Drink in the sparkling cold air and feel the sun* on your face! Special offer for large families and the elderly! Don't hesitate! Visit the Mitino Landscape Park today!
* "wilderness is open to interpretation and is here interpreted as being limited to the following: 'mice, rats, dogs, cats, skiers, ducks, finches, crows, and the occasional naked man coming out of his homemade banya.
* Some dogs are not tame. Mitino Landscape Park is not responsible for any injury mental or physical occasioned by contact with these dogs.
* Walking on water is possible only in winter when the pond is frozen. Thank you for your understanding in this matter. In summer walking on water is forbidden, as is swimming in imaginary water (see "Stating the Obvious").
* "Sun" is open to interpretation and may also be defined as "clouds".
the brief appearance of the sun - it looks like morning but it's 1:00 p.m.
birches on the edge of the pond
Ok, who wants to jump off the pier into the water?
looking out across the pond
signs of "wildlife"
the clouds are moving in
Welcome back! You're listening to TTM Moscow, all news, all the time. Well, at least most of the time. Theoretically, once a week...or once every two or three weeks... Anyways, let's hear the news from the home front! Sally and Jim- over to you!
" Thanks, Bob. Well, in current NC news Dad A. is still out of a job, to the surprise and consternation of all and sundry, though he is following several promising leads."
"Genius is never recognized in its own time, is it, Sally?"
"Have to agree with you there, Jim. Mom A.'s health has improved since last month, and she has been spotted at the ballet school recently with her young daughter, the promising ballerina S.A.. E.A. has seen the arrival of an impressive new bike, and he has promised not to fall over the front of the handlebars and break his shoulder and give everyone else in the family a heart attack like he did with his last bike. S.A. is exploring the capabilities of some technological gadget that at the moment I can't remember the name of, G.A. and W.A. are showing their academic brilliance as usual, and O.A. and D.A. are asleep. All is as it should be, if Dad A. could just find a job. That is sure to happen soon."
"And, Sally, don't forget the great performance of Alice in Wonderland that took place at Meredith College this week."
"Of course! Well, unfortunately this event was closed to the press, but by all accounts it was incredible as usual. Alice in particular was impressively played, along with all the other parts played by members of the English department. No, we're not at all biased here on TMM Moscow."
"And in an interesting case of parallelism, this very week our teacher here in Moscow saw the arrival of a new student, a small, bright young girl with blonde hair and blue eyes named Alice."
"You're joking!"
"No, I'm quite serious! Well, I think that just about wraps it up for N.C. news."
"Jim, you're right. Back to you, Bob."
"Aaaand that looks like all we have time for today on TMM Moscow! Have a great week, folks, and be sure to tune in next week for updates on dancing, buying Bolshoi tickets, learning Russian, and all the other trials, travails, and triumphs taking place here in the capital city.
This is TMM Moscow, and your host Bob, signing off."
